The Illness of Vince Noir
by Radar-rox
Summary: Vince is ill. talk about direct and to the point...


**Would you Adam and Eve it, eh? I can't manage to write the chapter for the story I'm supposed to be working on, but i can manage to bash this out in the early hours of the morning. Life isn't fair.**

**Anyway, this is just something that came to me. It does feature Tara, but if you haven't read my other Tara stories all that you really need to know for this is that she'd Vince's little sister and she drives around in a VW camper van.**

**All things Boosh owned by Noel and Julian, Tara owned by me.**

Tara was driving through a busy city centre, Thin Lizzy's _The Boys are back in town_ playing on her cd player, when her mobile started to emit Monty Python's Spam Song. Someone was ringing her.

She glanced at it. 'Oh, hang on a sec' she told it, pulling into an alleyway and picking up. 'Hello?'

'Tara?' said a weak-sounding voice at the other end.

'Vince? That you?'

'Yeah' he croaked.

'What's up?'

'I'm ill' he said pathetically.

'Oh no, what's wrong?'

'I just… feel really bad'

Tara smirked, knowing of her brothers tendency to over-exaggerate illness. 'An ordinary common cold then is it?'

'Shu-up' he whined. 'Where are you?'

'Bath, why?'

'Can you come over?'

'Come over? Isn't there anyone else there with you? Where's Howard and that?'

'They're all at work. But I want you, you know how to look after me properly.'

She smiled in spite of herself. He sounded exactly like he used to when they were little – he wouldn't let anyone look after him except Tara, even though she was eight years younger than he was.

'Alright, I'll be there in a couple of hours.'

'Thank you'

'But if you start to feel worse, or you need anything, call Howard or Naboo or someone yeah? They'll get there quicker then I will.'

'But I already rang Howard to get him to bring me round some Saturn zingers, and he told me to sod off.'

'I'm not surprised! Saturn zingers aren't exactly essential to your survival are they? Look, I'm setting off now, I'll be there as soon as I can, ok? Bye bye.'

'Bye'

* * *

She knocked on the door to the flat and waited Naboo answered.

'Hey Naboo! You alright?'

'Yeah I'm fine thanks, how're you?' he asked, letting her in.

'Not to bad, except my unexpected visit to London! Speaking of, how's the patient?'

'Asleep'

'Lazy sod' They'd reached the top of the stairs now, and Tara peered over the back of the sofa at her sleeping brother, covered apart from his head by a dark blue duvet – and even that had badges on it.

'Like a drink?' asked Naboo from the kitchen.

'Oh yeah, thanks Naboo, I could murder a hot chocolate' she replied, glancing out the window at the cold, drizzly day.

It was ready in no time, and Naboo and Tara sat down on the floor (Vince was taking up all of the sofa) and started chatting.

'You're home a bit early aren't you Naboo? I thought the zoo closed at five?'

'It does. Fay Wray here called me up, said it was an emergency and to come quick'

Tara looked worried.

'No, its alright' Said Naboo. 'Turns out he couldn't find his toesocks anywhere' he continued, nodding towards Vince's multi-coloured feet, poking out from the end of the duvet.

A little while later Howard and Bollo arrived home, looking rather bedraggled because of the rain.

'Tara! What are you doing here?' asked Howard.

'I was summoned.' She replied, indicating Vince.

'You didn't have to come all this way, we could've looked after him alright.'

'Nah its ok, I wasn't too far… Besides, I'm used to him being at deaths door because of a sniffle'

As if on cue, Vince stirred and opened his eyes blearily.

'Ah, you're not quite dead then!' said Tara by way of greeting.

'Hiya.'

'How're you feeling?' She asked, perching on the edge of the sofa next to him.

'Awful.'

'Specify'

'Mmm… headache , sore throat.. my tummy hurts.'

'Hurts how?'

'Dunno.. ache, and I feel a little but sick. Really hot too.' he said, nuzzling deeper into the pillow he was resting on.

'I'm not surprised with that duvet over you.' She said, trying to pull it back while simultaneously putting a hand on his forehead to see how hot he really was. Vince tugged at the duvet to keep it over him.

'Don't… I'm not wearing any trousers' he whispered to her.

'What!'

'Well it was really hot. I've got pants on'

'I should hope so! Put some trousers on then, go on'

Vince laboriously got up, wrapped the duvet around him and padded off towards his bedroom. Tara meanwhile went into the bathroom and grabbed the towel she guessed to be Vince's (purple with silver stars), and ran it under the cold tap, adding a couple of drops of oil to relive Vince's headache.

She returned to find Vince back on the sofa wearing pyjamas, and Bollo and Naboo in the kitchen, setting about making tea. Howard had apparently gone to get changed.

She placed the flannel gently on Vince's forehead and lifted up his feet to sit down, replacing them on her lap after. She lightly tickled one of them, causing Vince to giggle and cry out 'No! Don't!'

'Not too ill to be tickled then?'

'How can you be too ill to be tickled? I could have syphilis, I'd still be ticklish.'

'You don't have syphilis you fool.'

'Yeah? How'd you know?'

'Syphilis?'

'Yeah…'

'Syphilis?'

'Alright then, probably not…'

Howard emerged with towel-dried hair and a brightly patterned shirt. You may (or may not) also be pleased to know that he was also wearing trousers. 'I told you Vince, it's the bug that's been going round the zoo, almost everyone's had it.'

'Really?' asked Tara.

'Yeah, it affects some people more than others – but definitely no-one like that.' He said, pointing at Vince who was now making attempts to toss and turn while looking feverish.

'Get out of it, ya drama queen.' Said Tara, slapping his legs.

'I'm ill!'

'I know you are, and if you keep flailing about like a plastic bag caught in an updraft you're only gonna make yourself worse.'

Vince slumped back against the pillows. He should've known his attempts wouldn't work on Tara, she knew him too well. Maybe he should've stuck with just Howard and everyone after all… he could've gotten all sorts of things out of them by now. Nah, he'd stick with Tara, she was the best.

'Who else has been ill then?' asked Tara.

'I have, Graham, Joey Moose… he kept working all through his illness.' Said Howard, looking at Vince pointedly.

'Yeah, that's only because he's running for the semi-annual Best Zookeeper competition, he can't afford to have any time off.'

'Like Joey Moose is gonna win' scoffed Howard. 'Everyone knows I made that zoo what it is, that tiara's mine!'

Tara snorted with laughter. 'Tiara!'

Howard shrugged uncomfortably. 'Yeah well…..'

Vince decided to be compassionate and save him from embarrassment. 'Fossil was off for a week when he was ill'

'Yeah, but part of that's because Bainbridge hit him in the balls with that dictionary.' Naboo contributed.

'Yeah. That was quite a shot – must've been ten feet' said Howard appreciatively.

Not too long later, Naboo and Bollo started serving up the curry they'd made, while Tara ladled out some of the chicken soup she'd rustled together into a bowl for Vince – who'd fallen back to sleep on the sofa.

Tara leaned over him and tapped his cheek lightly. 'Vince. Wake up.'

'Muh?'

'Teatime.'

'I'm not hungry.' He mumbled, burying deeper into the sofa.

'I know you're not' she said gently. 'but you have to eat something, it doesn't matter how little, just something, ok? Come on.'

She helped Vince heave himself off the sofa, and gave him a nudge towards the table. He flopped down next to Howard, and looked pitifully at his plate of chicken korma.

Tara placed Vince's soup in front of him, along with a glass of water, then sitting down to her own meal.

'What's that supposed to be?' asked Vince, pointing at his drink.

'Its water' said Tara, confused.

'No, no, I don't drink water, its too boring.'

'You're ill, you're having water.' Said Tara. 'What do you mean, you don't drink it? you always used to.'

'Yeah, before I discovered Neptune Juice.'

'What's that?'

'It's juice, made from the many rings of Neptune.'

'Neptune doesn't have rings.'

'You on about that Saturn Juice again?' asked Howard.

'No, that's old news, it all Neptune Juice now, its blue and sugary and great.'

'I shoulda know.' Muttered Tara. 'Hang about, you're telling me that you drink this sugary stuff all the time, never water, and you still have skin like that?'

'Yeah.'

'I really hate you sometimes. Eat your soup.'

* * *

Howard, Naboo and Bollo were preparing for a night out, while Tara paced around the room, flicking through the telly guide.

'Are you sure you want to stay?' asked Howard for the umpteenth time. 'I'll look after him if you wanna go out.'

'How many times Howard, its fine. You go out and have fun ok? I know how to deal with Vince when he's ill, he needs lots of love and attention.'

'Well if you're sure…'

'Just go.'

'Yeah, c'mon Howard, we're gonna be late.' Said Naboo.

'I have spot at 8:30, cannot miss it. This Bollo's big chance.'

'Alright then. We'll see ya later'

'Bye. Have fun!' she called down the stairs after them.

She went back to the TV guide. _Seven hundred Channels and nothing on! This is ridiculous. _

'Vince, I'm just nipping down to the van a sec to grab some DVDs, you gonna be ok?'

'Yeah. Don't be long.'

'I won't.'

She hurried downstairs and into the van, grabbed anything that appealed to her and went back into the flat, to find Vince sat up, holding his stomach.

'Vince, what's wrong?' she yelped.

'I feel sick.' He moaned.

'Ok.' She said, dumping the DVDs on the sofa and helping him up. 'Come on then.' She guided him towards the bathroom, and arrived just in time. He threw up into the toilet bowl while she sat on the edge of the bath and held his hair back.

When he'd finished he sat back against her knees and wiped his mouth.

'Feel any better?'

'A bit.'

'You ok to go back to the sofa, or do you wanna stay here just in case?'

He turned to look up at her. 'Can we stay here a bit longer?'

'Course' she smiled, sliding down to sit down next to him. 'I'm sorry my soup made you sick.'

'Don't be daft, it wasn't that.' He said, putting his arm around her. 'It was really nice'

They sat there a little longer, and after Vince had thrown up a bit more, he decided that he was ok to go back and sit on the sofa. They picked out a DVD and curled up under Vince's duvet again.

A day or so later, Vince decided that he was better, so as he and the others got ready for work, Tara prepared to leave. She gave them all a lift to work, and got out of the van to say goodbye properly.

'Sorry I made you come over.' Said Vince apologetically.

'Don't be silly, anytime.' She said, hugging him. 'It was great to see ya, all of you.' She hugged each of them in turn, and got back into the van, waved goodbye and drove off, leaving the others to get to work.

**Hoped you liked that, i felt that the ending was a bitt on the naff side myself, but there you go, i didn't have anything else.**

**Please review! Pretty pretty please?**


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